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Saturday, 31 March 2012

Can I do this? The paddle says yes I can

I don't understand why I can't follow the rules.

WHY can't I - they just seem so hard.

I just keep breaking them.  I think that my HOH thinks that I am just not trying, but I am.

He even told me today that every time I consistently don't do as I am told it is like I am putting my Vs up to him.

But I am trying.

Sometimes it feels like I am incapable of it.  Sometimes it feels like I can't do what he wants me to do and I can't be the wife that he wants and I want me to be.

I know this is the pessimist in me, but it is hard to be constantly punished for something that I keep doing wrong.

Once again it was the flipping internet!

After my spanking today I wanted to throw the blinking computer out of the window!

I was actually punished twice today.

I was rude and 'acted up' in front of my impressionable little sister today.

She is 13 and already has a poor view of men, my HOH hates this.  He called me up on it in front of her and then as soon as she left my house, I was told to bend over the kitchen table!

It was only a hand spanking and it was brief as my daughter was waking up from her nap.

Then this evening, I admitted that I hadn't been watching my internet time very well.  I am so fed up with being punished about this! So fed up.  My HOH thinks that I am addicted.

He was so fed up.  He marched me upstairs, and sat me on the bed to tell me just how fed up he was with me.  The silly thing is that I kept smirking, I hate that I do this.  I actually had to grab my mouth to try and stop it, but I can't help it.  I think it is because I am embarrassed.  I always laughed as a child when I was disciplined.

I rarely made a sound though, and didnt' get up, I didn't move very much apart from the odd wiggle!

Slightly worrying is that the spanking has completely made me go into my shell.  I pushed him out, I didn't want the cuddle afterwards.  But later on when he left for work as I saw him leave I just wanted to cry into his arms.

But I can't cry, no tears come.  So frustrating.

So I am now sat writing this with the oven timer set to tell me when my internet has run out!

Maybe he is right, maybe I am addicted!

I love him so much, I just want to get this right!



6 comments:

  1. Aah, hey...this is so hard. I haven't read all the way back to see how long you have been doing this but I totally understand. It was like this for us at times and I'm sure it will happen again. I even understand the nervous grin you can get on your face when you are really in trouble. It's a nervous reaction, not a gleeful one.

    It is hard to let them in when we are a jumble of emotions. What is important is to tell him this when he comes home from work. As hard as it is, open up and explain it all to him. If you are anything like me every time you do this it will soften you a little bit and one of these days those tears will come when you want them to.

    You are doing this right, it just takes time. Do your best, submit from your heart whenever possible and celebrate the baby steps.

    Sorry about the sore backside. I agree, paddles are terrible.

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  2. Wow, thankyou for the lovely and supportive comments.

    I have a major wobble yesterday.

    We have been practicing on and off for a couple of years, but really at a push for the past few months.

    I do talk to him, and sent him an email at work, but along the lines of 'I don't understand how I'm feeling, but I feel sad!'

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  3. I am sorry you are feeling so down... :(

    You can do it, you're on the right track.

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  4. Thanks Pooky, it was not a good day! and more to come today! I'll get there I'm sure! (actually not very sure at all)

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  5. I personally have found being banned from the computer more effective when it comes to getting me off it. Spanking isn't always the most useful thing.

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    Replies
    1. Hi anonymous. Thanks for reading.
      Yes He also does that!
      I lose it allot!

      C

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