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Sunday, 25 March 2012

It's been a difficult week

I hit a wall this week.

I have had a difficult time with my family, (as in parents, who are going through a difficult divorce) and it reflected on our marriage.

I can't cry, not just after spanking, but generally in life.  I probably cry annually, so I end up not emotionally dealing with the things that I need to.

So with all my pent up emotion, my HOH received a less than submissive wife.
It didn't help that despite being punished very harshly last week, I broke the same rules again in the week, and ended up with a second punishment in one week.

I ended up very demoralized, and felt like a failure.  'I can't do it, I can't be the wife we both want me to be'. I said to my HOH.

He hugged me and told me that of course I can.  He pointed out that there are things that I do now, like not being rude, and running a spit spot house that I never did a year ago.  He told me he was proud of me and that he loves me.  But then he said, 'You will do this, because it is what I want you to do, it is for the good of our family'.

I think after a childhood of getting any material possession I asked for, but not allot of attention or affection, I am used to getting my own way.

I think, somewhere in the back of my mind when told him that I couldn't follow his rules, that I really have tried, but failed miserably, I think I perhaps expected him to cut me some slack.  I don't want him to, but I wonder if that is what my subconscious expected.

So when he stepped up to the HOH platform and announced that he loved me, but there are certain things that he expects, it was a shock.

The outcome of this was wonderful.  He was supportive, and loving, but firm and authoritative, like a good HOH.

The other wonderful thing that happened today was he understood me better than I think he ever has done.

We have always been open, good at communicating and very close, but this week something changed for the better.

I had been internalizing all my emotions about my family, and had really struggled this week.  Normally I have to say to him, 'darling I am struggling', to help him to understand my behavior.  But this week he just understood.

He held me in his arms and cuddled me one morning, when I was cooking.  My instant reaction was to push him away, when I am busy I feel that I am coping with things.

But he kept hold, and said to me, 'you have really struggled this week haven't you?'  'I am proud of you and I love you, but I wont accept you being rude to.'  'I am here for you and I love you'.

I couldn't believe it.  DD has given him some sort of natural intuition that he didn't have before.  It made me feel very loved, something that I don't feel very often outside of our little family.  And it quite simply made my day.

What was a very challenging week, became a loving one.

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