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Wednesday, 7 March 2012

The worst part?

The Worst Part?
What is the worst part of your punishments?
For me I think its the waiting.  The inevitable is coming, you know you are in trouble, it has been confirmed by the big boss man and now you just have to wait.


You have to wait for him to think through his actions, you have to wait for the kids to leave the house, you have to wait until the timing is right, you have to wait for him to chose when you will receive your dreaded punishment.


The fear of knowing that within the next few days, hours, minutes, he will summon me.
It always goes the same way.  When everything is calm, my chores are done, our child is asleep or out of the house.  When we are in bed, or sitting comfortably in the living room.  I see the cogs turning in his head.  I see on his face that he is about to tell me I am to go upstairs and wait.  


There is a small pause in his actions, he looks at me, that moment seems to go on for eternity.  Perhaps it is me wanting it to last forever, but it is a moment in which time often stands still.


To make it worst, sometimes out of nervousness I feel a need to fill that moment, or that space and often laugh and hide my face.  Of course I am not laughing out of hilarity, I DO NOT find it funny, nor do I enjoy it.  I am scared and in awe of his manly power.  I DO NOT want what is about to happen to happen.  But i realise that it is necessary.


It is necessary for me to know who is boss in our marriage.  It is necessary for me to remember what it is I have done and to realise that I have done wrong, have been rude or disrespectful.  


So then the waiting ends.  And the fear of waiting turns into guilt, remorse and upset as I am lectured and realise that I have let down my wonderful husband.  The feelings then turn into embarrassment as I am striped naked from the waste down by him, and more embarrassment as I voluntarily bend over his lap.


The action of bending over is so hard to so. I want to run, I want to fight and I want to get the hell out of there.  But I also want to be a good wife, to appologise, to show how much I love him, for me to return to being his good wife, who he is proud of, not the wife he is currently disappointed with.


Then the feelings turn to pain, and yet more fighting.  Fighting to stay still, and oh it is just so hard.  I try so hard to lie there, when everything in me wants to get up, but I stay, even if I squirm around.  Then the breaks in between, where I lie there on edge, waiting to see what implement he will chose.  Waiting to see just how angry or disappointed he is in me, or worse being told to get up and lean over the bed to receive the switch.


And then the feelings, as I am asked to get up and lie in his arms, are of sorrow, exhaustion at fighting it and not being able to cry (oh how I wish I could cry), and love and respect and adoration.


So the worst is the waiting, or maybe the pain! 
The best thing? The love I feel for him as he teaches me, as he shows me how to respect him and be the wife I want to be, the wife I am normally, but sometimes forget I can be.


But the best feeling is the LOVE that I feel for my wonderful HOH.

2 comments:

  1. The worst part is the actual spanking. The waiting I don't mind, the mixture of apprehension and anticipation is quite exciting. But the actual spanking is painful. I usually feel better afterwards though.

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  2. Hi Anonymous.
    Yes it is bad! I just hate waiting for it to be over!
    C

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