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Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Consequences of inconsistent HOH

Yesterday we had another major blip.

My HOH, bless him - the wonderful man that he is - made a mistake with consistency, well at least that is what I thought at the time.

This always leads me into a strange place.  On one hand I end up thinking, 'SPANK ME ALREADY, IF YOU ARE A MAN, SPANK ME SPANK ME SPANK ME'. Of course I am also not an idiot, so although I want to say this, I also DO NOT want to be whipped with a belt, caned or paddled to the point of screaming and inevitable soreness.  But I do want him to take me in hand, to make me follow his rules and live as he sees is fit for us both.

It is this thought cycle that ends up causing me to be very confused, and as I get confused and can't understand all the thoughts inside my own head, I get bulshy and angry and shouty and have a fuming attitude.

So this all started yesterday.

I had broken two rules, picked my spots (I know its gross, i'm embarrassed by this - why am I writing it here, who knows?) and had gone out in a rush, knowingly leaving the house unlocked as I couldn't find my key.

I admit the key thing is pretty bad, so I got what was coming to me, but the spot picking gets to me, as they say in the UK, it gets to me, 'something chronic'.

I have always had bad acne, it comes and goes in waves, but is always there in some form.  At 26, it is likely that I will have this until the menopause.  When I am stressed I pick it.  It feels therapeutic, like getting rid of the bad, but also purifying myself.  It is really gross, sorry if you are eating a snack while checking in on some light blog reading!

It is also a control thing.  When I feel my life is out of control I pick at it. I have always had some vice or other.  When I was a teenager I used to be anorexic and self harm, then as an adult I ended up compulsively rearranging furniture if I couldn't control things in my life, and now I pick my face.  Yuck gross, enough about the face.

The point is though that the big boss man, my HOH says it makes it worse and I need to stop! He's right, but I end up getting into trouble about it allot!

So he told me in the morning that I would be receiving two separate spankings for the two separate incidences, and that one would be that day.

My daughter went down for her nap as usual, 'I am going to sort out my post' said my beloved,'then we are going upstairs to sort out your behaviour, do you understand?'

So I was in the kitchen, cooking and clearing up, waiting for the inevitable.  It didn't come.

Ten minutes went by, then twenty, then thirty.  Then the doubts started.

He isn't going to spank me.  I bet he will forget.  I bet he will leave it till too late, then our daughter will wake up, so he wont do it.
This isn't how I would be HOH, I wouldn't let me get away with this.  What is he doing? Why doesn't he get on with it already?
Doesn't he care about my behaviour? Doesn't he care about me?  Why doesn't he care enough about us to do anything?
What's wrong with him, what's wrong with me?


I know I am clearly a bit of a lunatic, but these things go round and round in my head.  They usually end in me shrieking something horrid at my darling.

Then he came into the kitchen.  I started limbering up mentally, like before a race, preparing myself for the spanking, would it be cane/belt/switch?

'Darling, I'm going out to the post office, I'll be back in an hour or so'.

'Aren't you going to spank me then' I said.

NO C You fool, run away, you don't really want a spanking!

'Yes' he said, 'I will when I get back'.

Now in disbelief I said, 'But our daughter will be up by then and you wont have time'.

Sigh, and sounds of exasperation from HOH followed at this point. 'Oh OK then, you are right off we go then.'

I trotted off upstairs after him.  On retrospect I may have been a little happy that I had had some control over the situation and I had won my battle - terrible to realise this!

We sat down as normal and he began to talk.

I can't quite remember the ins and outs of what happened next but we ended up talking and perhaps almost rowing.  He let me use a tone where I felt like I was rowing, though not rowing to most peoples standards.  Then my daughter woke up.

This is when I got cross.

I was angry, I was angry that he wasn't being consistent, I was angry because he had let me get all psyched up to expect a spanking and hadn't done it.

I was very angry.

I told him how it makes me feel when he doesn't follow through.  I also told him that the other day I had felt very down after a spanking because he hadn't cuddled me for long enough afterwards.  I told him all my concerns and worries.

He calmly considered this.

We were due to go out to a party and stay late that evening, so he took control of the situation.

'OK darling, I have been working alot recently and I think we need to spend some time together.  I want us to really talk about our thoughts and feelings of DD.  I want to know exactly how you feel about it.  So tonight we are going to come home early, you are not allowed to drink anything so that we have a clear head, and we will come home and deal with your behaviour and also talk about DD, OK?'

There's the man I married, though thoroughly peeved about the no drinking rule.

'OK darling' I said.

So we went to the party, I asked him if I could drink while we were there - just to clarify ;) - and he said no.

8pm came and we made our excuses and left.

We got home and he ran a bath for us to share together.

He had used that Capsaicin cream to deal with me earlier in the day as a make do before we got home, so when I got into the hot bath the cream burned like hell.

I went to bed before him and waiting, again, for the inevitable.

He came in and started talking.  We got lots of things off our chest.

Then he said, 'OK darling you are tired so I am not going to spank you now, we will leave it until tomorrow'.

I was so angry again.

'I don't understand, why aren't you dealing with it now?'

I went off on one, we chatted, we rowed (again not really rowing, not enough for me to be rude).

'I'm not going to spank you because you tell me to spank you.' He said.   'When will you learn that you  are not in charge?'

'Fine then' I ended up saying, 'I'm not going to do DD'.  'If you can't control me properly, you clearly aren't man enough'.

I am not sure if I was intending to rub him up the wrong way now, but I am quite embarrassed about writing this now - I was so awful, what a brat!

He got angry at this point, quite rightly, 'Oh no you don't, we will do this, you can't just stop like that, It's working, what I say goes, this is what is happening'.

'NO, I WONT, I have to submit to DD or it's abuse, and I REFUSE.' I said.

'Right then' he said, 'get out of bed now'.

He was mad, he was angry, he wasn't in control, I was scared and I was not going to budge.

But more importantly I was now totally confused. Who is in charge now? What is he going to do to me? Is he really going to spank me when he is this cross? What did I do? I made him like this.


'Now I am really confused' I said, 'you have been so inconsistent what's going on.'
'I am sorry I have been rude and disrespectful, but I get so confused when you aren't consistent.
'If you don't deal with things, I just end up not understanding where I stand'.

He calmed down too, 'darling sometimes I get it wrong, but what you need to understand is that everything that I do is for you.
'Everything that I do and all the decisions that I make is because I believe that they are in your best interest, do you understand'.

'Yes darling' I said reluctantly.

'And you need to stop trying to control things, this is my job, not yours, do you understand?'

'Yes darling' I said again.

He put his hand on my shoulder, 'now get up please we are going to deal with this'.
'I am going to give you three different spankings, one for picking your spots, one for leaving the house unlocked and one for being rude to me.'

Our confrontation meant that my total trust for him had been broken.

Oh rubbish, what did I do? How did we get here? Is he going to really hurt me? Does he know his own strength?


He sat me on the bed, in our position, and asked me to tell me why I had picked my spots.

He spanked me with his hand, hard and long.

Then he sat me back on the bed.

This was very strange for me, I had never been dealt with in separate ways before, and I DID NOT like it!

'Now' said my strong man, 'why did you leave the house unlocked?'

I told him, and was asked to lean over the bed.

Out came the cane, the dreaded cane, and he gave me ten hard ones, while he explained why it was wrong to leave the house unlocked.

The worst part was that he caned the back of my legs.  This made me yelp in pain and gasp while I tried to control my breath.

Then he sat me back on the bed for round three!

I was disheveled, my hair was all over the place, and I was exhausted from lying there and fighting the pain.

'Look at me' he said.

I hate this, it is the last of my control gone, I have to even look where he wants me too.  I can't hide my feelings and emotions when he is looking into my eyes.

'Now I wont have you being rude to me' he said, 'I am in charge, not you and you will respect me at ALL times, is that clear?'

'Yes darling' I said.

'Bend over the bed again please, I want you to count to thirty'.

Then he grabbed the paddle.

I laid there for ten then sat down on the bed and hid my face.

'I can't do it' I said, 'I can't.'

'Why can't you' said my HoH, completely calmly and in control.

'BECAUSE IT HURTS' I yelled throwing a cushion across the room.

My HOH remained calm and in control. 'What are you doing?' he asked me in disbelief.

To be honest I didn't know, I was in a state, I was confused and wanted it over with, but had now got myself into a corner by refusing to submit.  I wanted to cry and say sorry, but I couldn't.

'Lay over the bed darling' he said.

I did, he didn't ask me to count, but I did in my head.  He hit me hard, reasserted his authority, made his mark on my rump.

I screamed.  It was nasty!

Afterwards we laid in bed and he held me.

'I'm sorry' I said. 'I'm sorry I didn't submit to you when you asked.'

He cuddled me, he held me, I cried.

Yes me, woman of stone actually cried.  It wasn't directly about the spanking, it was emotional pent up worries that I had held over the week about my family.  But the spanking helped me to get there.

I cried out fear of not being loved as a child and I cried out fear of not having a loving family.

I laid there in his arms, knowing that I was safe, trusting him and knowing that I was loved, which made me cry some more.

It was a very confusing and horrible night, but he had dealt with it, he had dealt with me, and I had been horrible.

I know he loves me and I know that he will take me in hand and deal with me when I test us and test him.

I love him very very much.








6 comments:

  1. What a hard, awful, terrible day. I'm so glad it ended well and you are both back on the same page. I'm also glad to hear that you were able to cry it out a little. It feels awful at the time but it's so good.

    Hoping you have a MUCH better day today!

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  2. Oh my gosh, this was such a beautiful post. I laughed, got upset and then got happy and cheered! Thanks for sharing all of your stories.

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  3. @susie,
    Thank you for reading.
    It was a terrible day.
    Hopefully I will be able to cry now and get the emotional release that I need.

    @Lynn D, Glad you were taken on a journey! It wasn't funny at the time! But perhaps on retrospect!

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  4. Oh sweetly, just wow. I truly hate to be punished and what happened with you, well I'm surprised you're doing so well. It sounds like your husband does love you very much. But men are just not quite in our same place for attention and boundaries. What I'm trying to say is, we don't want a spanking but we do want him to pay attention and if we are starting to cross the line, grab my hand, pull me close, kiss me and tell that's a bad idea and isn't kissing or something else more fun.

    I want Luther's attention. Sometimes if I act poorly I get it. But I prefer to get it through doing things he likes. I don't think I'm making sense. Sorry.

    I am glad you feel happier and more settled. And I keep thinking about that cheeky comment "not man enough" holy smokes! I bet the look on his face was priceless.

    Love, Isabella

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    Replies
    1. Yes he is strict!

      It is shocking just what I can say when all fired up! It is like my mind doesn't connect the spanking that will likely follow a comment like that!

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  5. Oh this is beautiful.

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