I am working every hour God gives to produce work for my exhibition, as well as getting my little girl up and bathing and putting her to bed each evening. In addition I have also been going out once a week or so in the evening.
It is simple, there are not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do.
I get home shattered, crawl into the kitchen, clean up, put a wash on, sit down for ten minutes, then its bed time with my baby.
Stupidly I have also been going out in the evening. Last night, I was out all day, out in the eve, 6 hours sleep, then doing it all over again.
My body has finally given up. I am so tired I am cranky, tired, tearful and am in bed now at 7pm!
Why has my HOH allowed this to happen? I hear you ask.
Well he has been away too! Everything just mounted up, and ended in me feeling like this.
It is my fault. If my darling husband actually thought about it, I have neglected to look after myself, which is a rule.
But to be honest I am scathing the surface of a spanking anyway.
I saw him for ten minutes this eve, as I came home and he left to go to work. It was the first time we had seen each other in 36 hours. And despite that, I still got a, 'do we need to go upstairs?'
In fact I think he asked me that twice. Then I got a 'look at me' lecture, where he told me that, no matter how tired I am, there is no excuse to be disrespectful.
I lost all submission or inclination to be submissive last night.
I was told to come home and be in bed for midnight. Now of course I am tired and overdoing it, I would have likely been home earlier than that anyway. But I resented not being trusted to make that decision.
I text a Dd friend of mine, 'I'm not feeling submissive' I said.
'Is it worth the consequences?' She said.
'Sometimes I'm not sure' I said, 'but I am too tired to rebel tonight!'
It is true I have never claimed to be a natural submissive. I have never followed authority well.
My lecturer at University once said to me, 'C, I can see that you feel you need to be in an institution all the time, but only so that you can break the rules'.
I do not like a spanking. Heck I have been caned twice in the past seven days.
But sometimes I think, 'is a spanking so bad?' 'I REALLY want to do X.Y.Z - I can cope with a spanking just this once can't I?'
And then comes the knicker around ankles event and I realise that sadly, no it isn't worth it.
Somehow I can't quite make that connection yet. The, stupid rebellious act = sore backside.