Total Pageviews

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Exhaustion makes my bottom ache

I am soooooooooooo tired at the moment, it is unreal.



I am working every hour God gives to produce work for my exhibition, as well as getting my little girl up and bathing and putting her to bed each evening.  In addition I have also been going out once a week or so in the evening.

It is simple, there are not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do.

I get home shattered, crawl into the kitchen, clean up, put a wash on, sit down for ten minutes, then its bed time with my baby.

Stupidly I have also been going out in the evening.  Last night, I was out all day, out in the eve, 6 hours sleep, then doing it all over again.

My body has finally given up.  I am so tired I am cranky, tired, tearful and am in bed now at 7pm!

Why has my HOH allowed this to happen? I hear you ask.

Well he has been away too! Everything just mounted up, and ended in me feeling like this.

It is my fault. If my darling husband actually thought about it, I have neglected to look after myself, which is a rule.

But to be honest I am scathing the surface of a spanking anyway.

I saw him for ten minutes this eve, as I came home and he left to go to work.  It was the first time we had seen each other in 36 hours. And despite that, I still got a, 'do we need to go upstairs?'

In fact I think he asked me that twice.  Then I got a 'look at me' lecture, where he told me that, no matter how tired I am, there is no excuse to be disrespectful.

poop


I lost all submission or inclination to be submissive last night.

I was told to come home and be in bed for midnight.  Now of course I am tired and overdoing it, I would have likely been home earlier than that anyway.  But I resented not being trusted to make that decision.

I text a Dd friend of mine, 'I'm not feeling submissive' I said.

'Is it worth the consequences?' She said.

'Sometimes I'm not sure' I said, 'but I am too tired to rebel tonight!'


It is true I have never claimed to be a natural submissive.  I have never followed authority well.

My lecturer at University once said to me, 'C, I can see that you feel you need to be in an institution all the time, but only so that you can break the rules'.

I do not like a spanking. Heck I have been caned twice in the past seven days.

But sometimes I think, 'is a spanking so bad?' 'I REALLY want to do X.Y.Z - I can cope with a spanking just this once can't I?'

And then comes the knicker around ankles event and I realise that sadly, no it isn't worth it.

Somehow I can't quite make that connection yet.  The, stupid rebellious act = sore backside.


Maybe one day I'll get it!



8 comments:

  1. Sometimes I wonder the same thing! And I always say it won't be that bad then my pants are on the floor and then I realize it is that bad! Sometimes I like to break the rules just to see what I can get away with, but sometimes it's soooo not worth it!
    Thanks for the post
    Livi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Livi, thanks for reading and commenting.
      You and I sound similar!
      I don't intentionally test, I am not a fool and have a strict husband, but sometimes I have to remind myself that it just ain't worth it!

      C

      Delete
  2. Have you considered doing a boot camp? That might be really helpful with the understanding better the submission for your relationship. It is hard, it does hurt, far more emotionally difficult than I expected. BUT it REALLY helped me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous.
      We have considered a boot camp.
      My HOH has said one will happen this summer, when we have a spare two days to send my daughter away to grandparents.

      I think it would be really helpful, but I dont think I can cope with the severe spankings!

      C

      Delete
  3. C,
    I hesitate to write this b/c it will come off as sounding preachy. I don't mean it that way at all. This is something I work on every single day and often enough I weigh my options and say, "is it worth it?"

    I think the more time a couple spends away from each other, the busier life gets, the harder Dd becomes. You disconnect and it's hard to find your submission. We want to do what we want to do. Who's this guy who pops in for 10 minutes and wants to direct us?

    But...this way of life isn't about deciding when to obey and when it's worth it to disobey. Submission is a matter of the heart and it goes much deeper. We submit to please our guys and do everything we can to respect their desire to lead. We don't intentionally test them and try to move from what 'I' want to what is best for 'us' and our families.

    Just some thoughts and things I remind myself of all the time. I know you are frustrated and hope you've had a chance to tell him about the trust issue with going out and doing the right thing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Susie,
    No it's not preachy fear not and you are totally right.

    I don't mean that I chose not to submit sometimes, I just have periods when it is really hard and these thoughts flutter into my mind.

    However I do always submit, I never break rules intentionall, sometimes absent mindedly but never intentionally.

    Have a great day
    c

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can really relate, as I struggle with a rebellious streak and a need to do things my own way. No, it's never worth it and yes..you'll make that connection but might have to get a refresher course from time to time.

    Any why is it so hard to remember but it all comes flooding back when we are otk?

    ReplyDelete
  6. As you know C I share this rebellious side.....and then as so many on this posting have said its to late. For me personaly the "connection" you mention comes when I'm face down on the pillows knickers on the floor hearing those oh so familier words, and feeling the spanks- I am Fully aware of where my bad attitude/gestures have lead, and because I am not perfect will contiue to lead me......

    Here's to the journey of DD and those "I did not just say that" "I can't believe I just did that" and....."You are going to be very sorry you did that" moments......which redress the ballance....


    His Princess

    ReplyDelete