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Thursday, 17 May 2012

Lecture made me cry

So, if you have read my blog, you may have noticed that I can't cry.



Now this isn't , 'I can't cry during a spanking', but I properly can't cry.

The last time I cried (before this evening) was last year.  A whole year ago!

It does frustrate me but this just means that when I come close my brain thinks, 'oo ooo, I am about to cry, quick push out the tears' and then of course I shut down even more.

So this evening was a complete shock for me.

My darling man called me up on ignoring my daughter after I had been at work all day.

For me, being a good mother is paramount. For him, me not turning into my terrible mother is also an important thing.

So after an extremely busy month, working hard towards my first art exhibition, I came straight home and onto the computer.

I wasn't meaning to be rude, to break a rule, or to ignore my family.  I was expecting an important email and wanted to find a recipe for tonight's dinner.

The problem was, me being so tired I went straight in front of the screen and zoned out.  At the same time my darling daughter, who was delighted for me to finally be home for the day, wanted me to play with her.

I couldn't hear her asking, 'mummy can you play with me please'.  She was sat next to me asking me this when my HOH walked into the room to see me on the laptop! - gulp.

I completely agree I should not have done it, but to top it off, when affronted I became cross.

So when my husband fluffed himself up, marched straight over to me and demanded for me to put down the computer and play with our child, I snapped, 'I don't care'.

I was marched straight upstairs and sat on the bed.  He began lecturing me, quite rightly, and pointing out what I was doing wrong.

The problem was that in my head, the head that is terribly hurt by a bad mother and the head that is terrified of being a bad mother, I didn't hear it this way.

Instead I heard, 'You are turning into your mother'.

I started to panic and tried to leave the room. I wanted to run away from the possibility of being a bad mother - my biggest fear.

As I turned to run, he grabbed my arm, 'sit back down' he ordered.

I pulled against his arm.

'I'm not staying here' I shouted.

'Sit back down NOW, we are not finished'. He ordered again, this time with more ferocity and strength in his voice.

'I AM NOT SITTING HERE TO BE TOLD I AM MY MOTHER', I shouted and then the tears came.

I cried, properly cried, not an odd tear, they ran down my face like two rivers, releasing a tidal wave of pent up fear and anxiety.

He hugged me and I sobbed into his chest.

I felt terrible, guilty and awful.

My darling husband was surprised.  I never cry and I also don't express my feelings allot.  He had no idea that my feelings were so raw at that moment.  I was tired and exhausted and the two factors exploded.

'I wont let you turn into your mother darling' he said lovingly.

So, before Dd, a moment like this would have sent me spiraling downwards into a pit of depression, but since Dd something wonderful has happened.

Sure I still feel bad, but I have learnt and I am safe and confident in knowing that my HOH will not allow me to be like her.

What a wonderful Dd outcome that I never expected!

7 comments:

  1. It's the lecture that does it to me with any crying too - more so than the actual punishment! It sounds like he's going to be strong and not let the old cycle continue!

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    1. Thanks Christina, yes he is very strong and more often than not, breaks negative cycles.

      C

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  2. It sounds to me like you had a really big breakthrough C! It may feel all overwhelming but it's a good thing, this finding our tears and not shutting down. Keep working at this, let it happen again. I know it's hard, trust me.

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    1. Hi Susie, I am late to replying to this, sorry, but no, I haven't cried again. poop! maybe soon!

      C

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  3. I struggle with letting my HOH comfort me when I feel like a bad mom. Being a bad mom is also a huge fear of mine. And for him to point out that I am not doing my best as a mom puts me on defense. Any suggestions? -

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    1. With the 'letting him comfort you' for me personally I often don't want that comfort and often my natural reaction is to push him away. However I think that this is also a vital part of communication and so you must try (as I must) to open yourself up to his comfort. My HOH knows that I have a tendency to do this and so has started to make me come to him. He will cuddle me for an long as necessary. But this communication is really vital for us all to strengthen our relationships.

      Yes I too go onto the defensive. I think the key here is to remind yourself of being polite and courteous even if it is hard when you are confronted with your worst fear. My HOH often will call me up on defensiveness straight away and say something like, 'You are a good mother, you know it deep down, but I will not tolerate you talking to me like that'.

      Our reactions to our mothers and ourselves as mothers is really hard, and I don't deal with it well at all myself. Someone said to me today, when I expressed guilt over not spending enough time with my child, 'no time will ever seem like enough' and I thought that this was really insightful.

      Not sure if I have answered your question. Feel free to email me or ask more questions here if I haven't.
      C

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  4. I always cry during a spanking, but I wish I didn't. Sometimes I cry just because it hurts, but there are times that I cry because I feel really bad, or because I've had a breakthrough, or because I just have a bundle of emotions that are weighing me down.

    I wish that I didn't cry so easily so that it would be easier for my partner to distinguish between the two different types of crying. But he hates to see me cry.

    The most important part of the punishment for us is the comforting stage afterwards. The:
    "Come here, sweetheart. Come sit on my lap."
    I snuggle into his chest and breathe deep, he kisses my head, rocks me and strokes my hair and wipes away my tears.

    We even have a chair for comforting!

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