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Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Stealing - The biggest challenge for my HOH?

Ok so I thought long and hard about posting this.

I am thoroughly ashamed and, at first, didn't want to own up to what I had done.

However DD is all about taking responsibility for my actions, so I figured I should post it on here as the first stage of me taking full responsibility for my actions.

What I did has to be premised by allot of explanation, so as not to show me as some sort of irresponsible reprobate.

I will keep it brief.

I have a terrible relationship with my mother.  Throughout my childhood she was neglectful and not very nice at all (putting this mildly!).

Then three years ago she acted even worse towards me and my father and sister, who is only 13.

She ran off, often not telling us if she was okay, she took drugs and acted terribly.

I have many difficult memories of this women, who unfortunately is my only mother figure!

Anyway, there's the background.

Although my husband and I are not Christians, we like to think that we live by Christian values.  One important one here is forgiveness.

I had thought up until now, that I had forgiven, or at least pushed it behind me as much as I could do.

I now realise, having been able to take a step back, that a pattern of destructive behaviour happened a while ago, and since then it has got worse and worse.

It only got worse and worse because I didn't acknowledge what I was doing to myself, or my husband, so neither of us was able to stop me.

A year or so ago, during my mother's absence I found a brooch that I had knitted for her as a gift, thrown to one side.  I immediately thought, 'Well if she doesn't appreciate me, someone else will', and I gave it to my best friend's mother, who has always been, in my eyes a great example of a mother.

Then a few more months went by and I found some old family photographs that I knew she loved, but that I also loved and thought, 'she isn't even in this family, why should she have these', and I took them without a second thought.

This went on for probably the best part of two years.  Things like dishes and knitting needles, things that I needed that she had.

I now realise that I was thinking, 'steeling this will go some way towards paying for all the hurt that she has caused me'.  It was like somehow, by taking from her, it was giving back everything that she had taken from me over the years.

Then yesterday I was helping to move my father out of the family home when I found £20 worth of vouchers from a department store in a drawer.

I thought about it for a split second and thought, 'she owes me' and put them in my pocket.

I think for some reason I felt like, she had removed all reason and had shown no behavioural standards at all over the years, so it felt like there was none.  Like all rhyme and reason had gone in the little space that she has inside my head.

It wasn't until hours later, when telling my husband did I realise how bad it was.

My HOH didn't punish me then and there, he said that he needed to think long and hard about it, so that what he chooses to do will be appropriate.  He said that, although he understands that I have been hurt and have gone through allot, I have done something terrible and need to be severely punished for it.

I know that the worst spanking I have ever had is on it's way and I know that I deserve it.
I hate being spanked, but I also hate this situation.  I think it may even help end the torment in my mind  that sometimes seems to be never ending.

But stealing is so so bad, it is not only illegal and immoral, but I keep thinking, what would I do if my child did that to anyone? even me?

I deserve what ever it is he chooses to do.

I am worried though.  He is struggling to come to terms with it, and he is struggling to know what will be the best course of action, I am even worried that he won't punish me enough.

I think that what ever punishment he gives me may be cathartic.  Perhaps it will allow me to cry finally.  I haven't been able to cry for years because of shutting all of this away in my mind.

What ever he chooses to do, I will respect it and him.

C




8 comments:

  1. {{{{hugs}}}} mother issues are tough. They have incredible power to injure us more than they can ever conceive.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks June,
      Yes they do don't they!

      Delete
  2. Tough stuff C. Be encouraged. There can be some resolution to this and don't be afraid of getting some good help with this issue with your mother. It's not all on you and while any punishment my make you feel better, the underlying problems will still come back. Take good care of yourself!

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    Replies
    1. Hey Susie,
      Thankyou.
      I have had many years of counceling and medication to deal with depression caused by it.

      I am in a good place right now.

      Thank you for the support, it's lovely.

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  3. Thank you for being courageous enough to write this post. It really helped me to understand a few things about myself.
    I too have taken things, and not just from my mother. It started, I believe with me having very negative feelings for my mother and how I was raised, but now has esculated into something bigger. I know it is wrong, but I can't seem to stop it. I have not told my HOH, more from embarrassment than fear of punishment. I feel horrible about myself and now realize that my problems stem mostly from the pain of my childhood. I realize that I probably need to seek outside help as well as accountability from my husband.

    Are you going to admit to your mom what you have done or are you just keeping between you and your HOH?

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    Replies
    1. Wow, thanks Wendy.

      No I am not going to tell her. She is not very unstable. My HOH has told me to give it back but to say it was an accident, that I packed it in the wrong box.

      I'm not sure how well 'Mum I stole this from you because you owe me for a terrible childhooh' would go down well.

      Do own up though. Even if it doesn't help you, it is helpful to share the burden. It is embarassment. Today I gave my husband a gift that I found in the house that my father told me I could have, and he instantly said, 'did you steal it!' he was joking, but didn't feel too good.

      Keep going. Relationships with bad mothers are hard. I am here if you wana chat.
      C

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  4. Thank you for your encouragement and offer to chat. That is very nice of you.
    I am thinking of working up to share with him this weekend when he has the time to devote
    to a long discussion. I will let you know if I get the courage to do it, and how it goes. I know he will be upset and I will be punished, but as you said, it will help to share the burden. Right now, the guilt of it is weighing quite heavily.
    thanks again.

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  5. Yes it will be bad, but it may be cathartic.

    Feel free to drop me a line, mummyinthecountry@gmail.com

    But it all depends on how he deals with it. For us talking was a huge part of it, and he couldnt spank me without getting into my mindset.

    At one point though, when I was being spanked I thought, 'I hate my mother'. I undoubtedly attached my behaviour to her inadequacies.

    Do tell him, if only to strengthen your relationship.

    C

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