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Friday, 15 June 2012

Complete DD breakdown

I didn't ever see myself writing this post.

But learning from our mistakes is an important step in life, in marriage and in DD.

I am not entirely sure how this 'breakdown' happened, but it was a culmination of events which lead to my HOH giving up and my submission becoming non existent.

Two things began this horrible incident.

One, I have been working very hard and so my thoughts of submission have really been on the back burner.

And two, my HOH has been poorly.

Normally when I have been busy, I end up being rude and indignant and he comes down hard and I get a seriously warmed behind.

However, this time, I was rude but he was poorly and so let it go.

He has a terrible back at the moment and is in more pain than I have ever seen him in.  It is really hard to see your lovely, normally strong man, crumble and be able to do nothing about it.

My HOH, a musician, had a music video being filmed at our house and due to me being so busy, it was a mess.

On Monday, I had my first art exhibition and it was very exciting.  The next morning we agreed to wake up early and tackle the house together.  I awoke at 7.30 am, and thought I would get a head start, before the alarm went off at 8.

8 o'clock came and no sign of awake husband.

8.30 came and still no husband.

I was annoyed at this stage as I was downstairs dully cleaning so that his video shoot went well and he had turned the alarm off and gone back to sleep.

I went to wake him up, he said he was coming downstairs.  He didn't show up.

By the time he came downstairs, it was half an hour before the videographer was due to arrive and I had finished cleaning.

I was livid.  I carried on in the kitchen as he got himself breakfast and said in my head, 'play it cool C, you know that you want to be rude and shout your mouth off, but lets try and avoid a spanking'

But I couldn't control myself.  I started calmly, 'It would be nice if you said thank you to me for cleaning up for your shoot today'.

Then came the thank yous but no apology and my temper rose.

Everything escalated  until I walked out.

This was utter defiance as far as he was concerned and he sat me down at the table in the dining room and lectured me.  This is when my anger turned to utter rudeness and fury.  I was vile, a real b***h.  His videographer was around the corner and he made it clear that I wouldn't get away with it.

I thought, oh rubbish, this isn't going to be pretty.

So once the videographer left, I was rather apprehensive. - But nothing happened.

The evening went by and still nothing happened.

The next day I was rushing around to go to a meeting and he went to get my bicicle out of the shed, so that I could cycle there and get to the meeting faster.

There was some problem with my bike, and instead of dealing with this in a rational way, I got mad, shouted 'F***-it then' and threw my helmet across the room, in front of our daughter.

He marched straight up to me, told me that it was unacceptable behaviour and that we would deal with it later.

I, still fuming from the day before because he had been so lazy and then not followed through with a punishment said, 'oh no you wont', and blatantly refused to submit.

I ran off to my meeting. When I returned he said that we were going upstairs to sort out my attitude.

Again I said, 'you are not going to spank me'.

I then told him, 'You can't turn it off and on, why should I submit when you always take me for granted and then you don't follow through with punishments'.

We carried on backwards and forwards but my anger was clear and so was my adamant refusal to submit.

And he gave in.

He walked into the other room and carried on with his evening.  I went into the room shortly after and he looked like a man who was crushed.  He had sadness in his eyes and he was hurting.  I felt terrible, I had caused him to feel like that and I had hurt him and I had hurt our family.

I am not sure why I reacted the way I did, it was totally out of character. I was so angry, and he too was not strong as he normally is, due to being poorly.

I went upstairs, not having the courage to admit to him that I had been wrong.

Half an hour later, I drew him close and he burried his head in me as we cuddled.

'I'm sorry'. I said 'I will do what you want me to do'.

And then with all the strength I had I submitted to a spanking, to finish the horrible 48 hours, to reassure him of my love and submission and to help him feel strong and leader-like again.

DD has so many ups and downs and no one is ever perfect in any situation.  We just do our best.
But one thing is for sure, each time we have a set back, we return stronger from it, me more submissive and willing, and he stronger and more of a leader.

1 comment:

  1. This is a hearlfelt posting..........I am so pleased that you reconnected.

    His Princess