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Saturday, 28 July 2012

The Humble Wooden Spoon

Up until now my beloved has favoured scary implements like...


Double yucky!

Triple yucky, yikes, crikey and oh help!

But since meeting up with A and HP (our Dd friends), he has started to become more adventurous!

Thanks A, I'm so enthralled at that result of our meeting!

I have spent the past six months trying to convince him to buy something milder, to ease the result of my rebellious tendencies!

But they have gone unnoticed.

I have sent him links and emails, left pages open on my laptop, but nothing - the Big Boss man doesn't like to feel manipulated by his wife!

After meeting up with A and HP, my beloved husband started asking questions, like 'what implements do they normally use?' and 'what rules do they have in place?'

I think, after meeting a real-life couple- it dawned on him just how differently one couple practices Dd, compared with another.

Last night he actually asked me to find out the model and make of a particular kitchen implement that our friends use.  Oh crikey, this was a little odd!  I didn't know whether to be over the moon that he may be choosing a lighter implement or horrified that he was asking a friend what he chooses to use on his wife when she is naughty. This took my openness and willingness to share to a whole new level!

This change in our dynamic has knocked me slightly.

Previously I knew where all the boundaries were and I simply chose to pretend they weren't there when deciding to misbehave or not.

Now however, those lines have shifted.  I feel like a frightened rabbit in the headlights of a car not knowing which way to turn!

OK that might be a slight exaggeration! ;)

This week has not been a great week.

Two major things happened, fueled by alcohol consumption and resulting in me being very sorry and sore, and my husband's patience being severely tested.

On Wednesday I went out to my weekly 'stitch and bitch' session.

This is where a group of friends and I gather at a friend's studio and make things with fabric, while drinking tea and having a natter or moan about our husbands (I don't do the latter).

This week it was baking.  We have been in an elongated winter here in the UK recently and this week it turned into summer, almost overnight!  So the stitch and bitchers decided that they wanted to go to the pub instead of the usual tea drinking!

Here is mistake no.1 I should have asked for permission to go to the pub and I didn't! To be quite frank I didn't even think about it. Usually when something like this occurs there is a tiny voice in the back of my mind screaming 'C YOU FOOL THIS WILL GET YOU INTO TROUBLE', I think this is my subconscious, but she was hushed long ago, and overtaken by the much loader voice which says 'DO WHAT YOU WANT, TO HELL WITH THE RULES'.  This time however it didn't even occur to me!

So off we went to the pub.  The girls all chose a small bottle of chilled larger to drink and I, not ever wanting to follow the trend, chose ale, a whole pint of ale!

Here's my second problem.  I am light headed, it was hot, I hadn't eaten very well that day and ale is high in alcohol content.

Needless to say I was sloshed in half an hour and then ready to stroll home.

J text me to tell me that we needed to 'have a chat' (that means spanking!) about something else that had happened earlier that day, and I replied by saying 'F*** we will'

I have absolutely no idea why I chose to say this to him.  It was like in a fraction of a second I thought, 'hmm I am going to wind him up here and sail close to the spanking line' but fueled by alcohol, that subtle comment turned into the rudest thing I have ever said to him, or anyone, taking me far beyond the spanking line and into 'you will never sit down again' category.

Needless to say he was horrified, but also hurt and disappointed which was worse!

Honestly I am so embarrassed to admit that I actually sent that message to him.

I know I don't need to explain what happened as a result of that!

He marched me upstairs as soon as I got home, so quick that my feet couldn't touch the floor.

He then grabbed the belt and the cane and proceeded with the annihilation of a punishment, that was unfortunately well deserved!

Then last night alcohol caused me, and his lap, to meet again!

I don't want you to be sat there thinking, 'boy, this girl has a drinking problem' because actually it's the opposite.  I rarely drink, probably twice a month, so all I need is a glass of wine and it's an early night for me!

Last night a friend came round to drown her sorrows about her failing relationship (it was very sad! :( ).  The problem is that she is a heavy drinker and a bad influence.  Her and I have gotten into mischief plenty of times together already, and when I asked my beloved if she could come round for a drink his response was, 'yes I suppose so, but don't drink very much'.

Apparently my brain didn't retain that part of information! Instead I ended up sharing a bottle of wine, downing shots of toffee vodka and then making us cocktails, while dancing around the house to Now That's What I Call Music 1997!

In the morning, I was happy to realise that I wasn't hung over, but that was some sort of miracle because for me I had consumed allot!

I woke my darling man this morning with a cup of coffee, as I do every morning after he has been working.  And after our daily morning cuddle I forced myself to utter the words, 'I disobeyed you last night, and I'm sorry'.

I felt his cuddling arms release me as a wave of disappointment ran through his veins.

I then regaled the sorry tale to him, only for him to reply 'right, I think we need to do boot camp, I can't go out to work in the evening and not know that I can trust you while I am gone'.

Quite possible the worst comeback he could have chosen.

Later in the after noon he had me across his knee.  As I lay there I dreaded the normal belt that I believed would soon be removed from his trousers and placed upon my backside, but my darling man had other ideas.

'Now get off my lap' he said, after the final round of 100% force of his hand upon my rear end.

'Go into the kitchen and get me a wooden spoon'

What? this is not normal? What is going on? I'm not sure I like change.

And then the humiliating walk into the kitchen ensued, knowing full well that my backside was the colour of the red wine I had drunk the night before (no the irony is not lost on me!).

I reached for the kitchen implements jar.

They looked so small and unassuming, rather innocent! Just sat there waiting for someone to cook an omelet or a Victoria sponge cake.

Arr, look how sweet it is, so small, surely this won't really hurt, will it?

I considered bringing him back a tiny one that we have, but I didn't think that would go down well, plus let's not anger the beast when I still have a stripey behind from the night before!

I returned with the spoon, still feeling confident that I could take it, compared to the belt or cane.

Oh.  My.  Gosh.

I don't think I have ever been so wrong about anything.

He swatted me twice a second for what seemed like eternity, while he had me pinned over his knee with his hand.  I couldn't move apart from my legs which kicked and flailed as I screeched and begged.

I was not expecting it, it was so painful!  How can something so small and unassuming be so painful!

I took my daughter to the park today and as I ran around my buttocks ached so much!

I am now worried that after today's spanking, my husband's bedside table drawer will look like this...

And to top it all off I now have boot camp to contend with!

I don't think I will ever drink again!


  1. I am at the end of my first day of boot camp at this very moment...I feel your pain! I surely don't know how I can bear a second day.

    I love your blog...thank you for sharing with such wit and humor!

    1. Really? Oh wow! Email me if you fancy sharing! Im intregued and scared! But looking forward to spending two days concentrating on our closeness.

  2. There is a drawer in Steve's dresser that has several wooden spoons of varying sizes. The one I hate the most is the one I bought him after he complained that the spoons he had weren't big enough. It's a little thicker than the usual wooden spoon and looks like a cross between a spoon and a spatula. I seriously regret the decision to be helpful when it comes to implements.

    1. Oh dear! Iv been there. I bought J a new belt for Christmas because his old one broke! -It was intended for his trousers, not the seat of mine!!

  3. hi C, I hate the evil wooden spoon! It's my worst nightmare. My Hoh has a lovely selection which seem to be all over the house and come out to play far too frequently! Milly

  4. Hi C. I bought my HoH a cane when we were early in marriage. And a couple Christmas's ago I bought him a belt. Both of which leave me with a stripey bottom way too often. I think our love for them clouds our clear thinking when it comes to buying implements. Most of all, I hate his paddle. He hand made ir for me.

    1. Why? why would you do that!? ;)

      Ah, stripey bottoms, I know it well!

  5. i stumbled upon your blog by mistake and have been reading it ever since. Im not married but considering a dd marriage. Can u tell me about it. And how to suggerst it?

  6. What is boot camp??