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Friday, 27 September 2013

Acute Stress Disorder

I blogged about having post natal depression.

It is slow going and bonding with my baby when she is screaming is ultra hard.

I have recently been diagnosed as having acute stress disorder, which essentially PTSD. It stems from the fact that I almost died shortly after labor, and quite frankly would have without the amazing NHS.

I blank out often and find myself thinking about aspects of the birth.  I see the faces of my midwives in random stranger's faces.

I panic all day. I often want to run as fast as I can and not come back.

My daughter is beautiful and clearly loves me, but it's so hard to bond with her.

She just doesn't feel like mine.

I was getting better, but now I seem to be struggling again. It's like dragging myself up hill through treacle.

I find at times that I don't want to be with her, she won't settle and I feel like I shouldn't be settling her because she isn't my child.

I don't want to feel like this any more. I want it to stop, but it's hard to see an end to these feelings.  It's like drowning and not knowing how to swim.

11 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it. I know it sounds trite, but it will get better with time. I don't know if you have the option available, but I went to a support group for mothers of traumatic births and it really helped me. Feel free to email if you need to talk.

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  2. Be patient with yourself. You went through something so traumatic and it makes perfect sense that it's still affecting you deeply. I am sure there will be peaks and valleys as you make your way up this mountain...but you'll get there!

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  3. It must be so difficult, I do feel for you, but it is true that being patient with yourself and allowing yourself backwards steps as well as leaps forward and recognising those leaps is important.

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    1. Thanks, yes backwards before coming forward.
      C

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  4. I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. As the others have said, be patient with yourself, you have been through a traumatic experience. It will get better over time.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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  5. I know exactly what you're going through. i'm going through the same thing. I do sincerely hope you're getting the help you need :p ((((BIG HUGS))))

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  6. It made me so sad to hear your story. I, too suffered from PTSD for a non-birth related experience. I went to a psychologist who performed something called EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing). It was incredible! More than 20years after being the victim of a violent crime, I was able to live with the memories without having any negative reactions, thoughts, or feelings. It only involved 1 hour sessions a week for about 1month. I hope you are feeling better soon.
    Huneybee

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  7. Give yourself time, and having a label now to what you are going through will make it easier to get the help you need to help you move forward. {{{HUGS}}} It is okay for you to be where you are, just keep taking tiny steps forward, and letting people help you when they can.

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