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Saturday, 14 September 2013

Domestic discipline isn't easy

I recently had an email from a reader who said that her marriage in Domestic Discipline was difficult at times and she compared it to mine, saying that it wasn't as plain sailing as mine.

Perhaps I haven't expressed as many negatives as positives on my blog.

Domestic discipline isn't easy.

We are now four years or so into this type of marriage and it is now natural but it wasn't always so easy.

In truth there were many times when I thought, domestic discipline is too hard, I can't do it.

There was even a break of 4 months or so where we stopped domestic discipline entirely. We reached rock bottom, stale mate, a brick wall, what ever you want to call it and decided to stop. I was being obstinate and refusing to cooperate and my beloved didn't feel like he could control me.

In truth I think back in those days it was so hard to understand what domestic discipline was, where we fit into it all and how we could make it work.

After months of not having domestic discipline in our lives, we ended up being drawn back again. It was calling out to us. We initially tried him being in charge and me doing as I was told without the dreaded spanking part. But we soon found that there had to be some sort of punishment to try and avoid as an incentive.

It took us lots of time, years in fact to understand how to make our lives in domestic discipline work for us and quite simply I think the answer was to stop trying quite so hard. I just needed to relax and trust my husband, allow him to lead how he chooses to lead.

I remember being cross about the fact that he wasn't being, as I saw it 'consistent'.  It felt like he didn't seem to care if he didn't react in a way I expected him to about something.  I think in all honesty I was still trying to control the situation. I was still trying to say how domestic discipline was going to work for us.

In the end, and over time I have given in, allowed him room to lead, stopped making domestic discipline such a focus in our lives and it has all settled down.

He is in charge, I otherwise live my life the way I choose to but with a big pair of strong arms to catch me if things go wrong.  It is a wonderful safety net that I have come to adore and depend on.

But was it easy? No way! Domestic discipline is hard. My advice to you if you are in those difficult early stages is, relax, stay calm, remember how much you love each other and all will be good in the end!

Have a great day.



  1. I think that's good advice. It does seem to become more natural when you don't try to force it to be the sole focus. Glad to hear you are doing well:)

  2. Hi C,

    I think you hit the nail right on the head here.

    To begin with, we all spend way too much time obsessing about the "right" way to practise DD, which is natural when we are trying to find our way in something new.

    However, if we want it to become something that is just a natural everyday part of of our lives in a way that just slots in with the circumstances and personalities involved, there comes a time when we have to concentrate less on trying to keep up with a multitude of formal 'rules', for no other reason than that they are official rules, and trust each other to recognise and respond to the normal everyday variables of actual in-the-moment needs.


  3. Hi C,

    Thank you for sharing this. This lifestyle definitely isn't easy and it ebbs and flows. You make some really good points. Each couple has to find what works for them and their relationship and that does take time.

    I like what you said about stopping trying so hard to make DD work and relaxing and giving him room to lead his way.


  4. Nothing worth having is ever totally smooth sailing, surely I've heard that somewhere... haven't I? Sounds right to me, anyway ;-) And what you've got sounds perfect for you :)

  5. Great advice, thank you for sharing. :) We have found the journey tough as well, but working at somethign this hard has got to be worth it. :) At least, I'm finding that is the case. :)