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Thursday, 19 September 2013

Judging others

I may be different to other people who read my blog.

I may be different from other people in the street.

I may be different to my friends and to people I know.

I would never judge others who choose to live a certain way, and yet I myself am judged.



If I found out someone I knew was being beaten by her husband, I would be horrified.

If I thought that a woman was cowering in the corner of the room or was afraid of her husband, I would be very upset and want to help them.  This would not be a loving marriage.

This is not what this relationship is.  I am happy, I am not afraid of my husband, he is loving, I am loving.  I am not brain washed, nor beaten, I am not crazy or insane, nor am I abused.

My husband is in charge, but if you knew us you would think that we are any ordinary couple.  No actually you would think that we have a great relationship, that we are loving and openly affectionate.  We listen to each other and support each other.  We have been together for 7 years and are as madly in love as ever, two kids into our marriage.

But when people hear that my husband spanks me, they instantly jump to conclusions.  The fact that he is man enough to sort out an argument, that if I am shouting or swear at him or disrespect him and he deals with the situation, he is abusing me, and if people know that I am happy with this situation, they instantly think that I am brainwashed! Why can't they accept that this is us, that we are happy?

My husband and I do not spank or smack our children.  We are firm, but loving but I don't hit them because I believe that it wouldn't achieve anything and only teaches them to hit others.  However I consent that my husband chooses what is necessary in our marriage, spanking or otherwise.

Here are some of the things people have said to me on my blog:

"Do you not feel worthy enough to make your own rules or decide them together?"

"A man taking the lead in his marriage would not have to hit his wife, period. And a really strong man would tell you to grow the hell up and hold up your end of the bargain and if you didn't know how to do that he would assist you without physical violence. A real man wouldn't allow you to lower yourself to the level of a child (which is what you are doing and why it feels so "freeing") and would encourage you to become a woman. Grow the hell up and quit making women in general look bad and weak."

"So who spanks husband when he stuffs up."

"A bit selfish of you women to let this happen."

"You all need help. There is no relationship in which spanking is acceptable. Couple therapy helps a lot. Give it a try! Otherwise, call the police."

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK. LIKE ARE U FUCKING SERIOUS? FUCK. "

"Either you all like it in some way, or you just don't understand your rights as a human being."

"stand up women this is ur life and u should live it how u want as long as it dont hurt u or any1 els..i have a husband and he is the best thing we may have r problems but the first time he hit me in any way he would b in prison or dead.."

"This is about controlling another person, not about living better. Some of us evidently need to feel that they are controlled, and some need to control."

"What a bunch of stupid, ignorant and even evil women. Your BS is really sickening."

"I feel bad. I can't help but read about woman who participate in this type of relationship without thinking they are incredibly weak and pathetic for not being able to control themselves by themselves."

"A happy relationship isn't all about you sacrificing... it is two-sided. A person who truly loves you won't want you to suffer. Please... wake up."

"This is one really awful lifestyle."

"one problem is that many of these HOH males are total assholes who don't deserve the respect they can only get by physical force. Haven't read enough here to form an opinion of this one.) "

"He is treating you like a child not like a mature adult."


The ironic thing is many women would love a man to swoop her off her feet and take control, they just don't know it.  After all, why was 50 Shades of Grey, the infamously terribly written book so popular in the UK, the US and around the world??

So lets not judge each other.

My husband spanks me, I let him, I don't like the act at the time but I love that he is in charge and takes no messing!

I am loved, I feel safe and cared for.

He is strong and calm and a wonderful father and husband.

I consent to this marriage and am not a freak for doing so!

I am not abused, nor brain washed, nor a sadomasochistic as I have been accused.

Thanks to this marriage, there is no power struggle, no fighting, we are happy.

C


24 comments:

  1. The comment about who spanks the husband when he stuffs up has some validity?

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  2. I love your blog. I think the others should read elsewhere and keep their opinions to themselves!

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    1. Thanks, it's so great to hear when people like it. I have no idea who any of you are, so it's nice to know it's appreciated.
      c

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  3. i made the error of bringing up dd to a close friend of mine prior to our beginning it in our marriage. what a horrible idea that was, to tell her, or even get her opinion. she nearly took my head off, "what the fuck are you thinking?!" she said. and, "that's complete abuse!!! i hope you're not thinking this is NORMAL because it's NOT!" so i quickly said, "ohhh no no no. not me. i have a friend who lives that way and i was just curious as to what you thought."

    i know.

    lame.

    but i felt completely cornered and i wasn't strong enough to fight her feelings about it, and frankly, i'm still not. all i know is that i enjoy living this way, feel very loved and cared for--just as many dd wives do. i've been married for almost twenty years and am madly in love with my fella. plus, this was MY idea. so why should i feel so guilty about it? because of all the judging. no question.

    great post. :)
    hugs,
    m.

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  4. Amen!!! It's funny how anonymous people think they are far superior on the internet.

    If you are happy with the way your marriage is, then everyone else can bugger off!

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  5. I have to say, before we brought ttwd into our relationship I could see where some of these people are coming from. However, I can't imagine being so conceded as to judge someone and force my opinions on them. I'm sorry that people feel so entitled that they feel you should conform to their opinions! Just remember all the good this has brought to your relationship and keep in mind those not willing to try what it takes to make both people in their relationship happy..they will be the ones that end up divorced!!

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    1. Thanks Kitty kat, judging others is unnecessary isn't it! We are happy thanks.
      C

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  6. Part 1 of a 2 part comment:

    There is consistently an almost amusingly repetitive pattern of purposeful ignorance and irony in all the 'by rote' arguments that people continually recycle over and over again against DD. What they all have in common is that they are usually based on something that one person has read in one place, which may not even be particularly representative of DD as the majority of people practice it. However a complete lack of research, understanding, or interest in finding out if there could possibly be another side to what they have read, never seems to deter these people from becoming instant self pronounced "experts" on the private and intimate relationships of thousands upon thousands of people whom they have never met and know nothing about.

    The most common arguments, which are often expressed in the most aggressive, offensive and vulgar terms possible, are generally predictable, exactly the same and take on the "bandwagon" mentality, in which numerous people, many of whom very clearly haven't even bothered to read the current discussion, seem to take rather distasteful pleasure in adding, short and to the point rude, crude and judgmental comments, which lack even the *pretence* of reasoned argument.

    First the writer launches a full on attack at the Top/Dominant/HoH (call it what you will) in the relationship, pronouncing him a bully, abuser, oppressor of woman et al...... They will then variously and with the great relish of a person who clearly thinks themselves to be a master of humour, describe the many acts of extreme and serious physical violence *they* would perpetrate on "any man who dared to suggest this to ME!". The 'kinder' ones might advocate an indefinite prison sentence or death by some form of painful execution. The irony here is that they seem completely unable to see that, compared to the much greater creative and extensive acts of serious permanent and completely non consensual harm prescribed by themselves, the 'violence', (consisting of an individual being spanked for a short time on the bottom) from which they claim to be protecting others pales into tiny insignificance.

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  7. Part 2 of a 2 part comment:

    Stage two consists of a reaction to any person who dares to point out that DD is a fully consensual adult arrangement most often introduced to the relationship by the woman. This will either be completely and utterly ignored by the naysayers, or will result in a barrage of diagnoses by amateur psychologists pronouncing the woman mentally incompetent, a victim of 'Stockholm' (captivity) syndrome, or at best, a person with no self worth. The overall message is that, if something doesn't appeal to the naysayer on a personal basis, anyone wanting it for themselves must automatically be crazy, an abuser, or an abused person, who should be prevented by law from incorporating that thing into *their* private lives.

    Next is the "freedom of choice" argument, in which it is claimed that DD is some kind of plot by the male of the species to restrict and oppress women. Usually this section of the supposed argument also includes some comments to the effect that couples who practice DD are trying to publicise the practise in order to "force" other people to live in the same way as them. The argument goes that this is a restriction on hard won female equality, human rights and freedom of choice in general and should therefore be disallowed. It always amazes me that virtually none of the posters of these philanthropic and liberal views are able to see that it is *they* and not us, who are campaigning to remove the right of free personal choice from other people. Overall the message we are given is that "Everyone should be free to do as I say".

    I won't go into the cheap and despicable mentality of those, who, despite having been repeatedly told that DD is exclusively a consensual arrangement between two *adults*, deliberately and shamelessly for the sake of drama and sensation, invent the fiction that they believe it involves children.

    Finally there is religious argument. This is where the critic attributes the practice of DD *exclusively* to some brand new and "growing" Christian sect in which all those who practice it claim that wife spanking is directly advocated by the bible. No matter that despite how hard you search, you won't actually find any claim to that effect on any CDD/DD site, or article on the internet. No matter also that by no means every couple who practices DD comes from the religious base, or that DD is not the brand new invention of some fanatical Christian "Sect", but has always been around in some shape or form.

    Usually all of this speculation, assumption, judgment and condemnation culminates in exactly the same way. That is the point at which the majority of dubious "experts" decide that all DD must be solely a sexual kink in disguise. Evidently if every person gives it this label which our critics feel is acceptable, then we should be "allowed" carte blanche to indulge in whatever cruel and unusual form of BDSM that we like. However, call it DD and restrict the 'BDSM' to an occasional spanking on the bottom and we should all be either forcibly committed mental institutions or taken out at dawn to be hung, drawn and quartered for "abuse".

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    1. Wow, that's an epic, thanks for the input!

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  8. I found your blog by mistake, and started reading it because I was curious. I have to say that I heared about DD before and was horrified, but you make it sound like every other lagitimate option for a couple to live their lives. You are a great writer and I enjoy every post. People that can't understand it, can read other blogs!

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  9. Thanks anonymous, that is very kind.

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  10. Oh my, I'm sorry you have received such negative and distressing comments.

    I think unless you are in a DD relationship yourself, it is almost impossible to understand. Heck, it's hard enough for those of us who do live it to fully understand at times LoL. I also think it's human nature to tend to attack what we don't understand.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. That's very true Roz, I still struggle to understand it and it's my life!!

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  11. We, too, love the blog.
    It just seems fair to us that if either of us "stuff" up, then the perpetrator should get disciplined.
    Gets it out in the open, and ends up making up.

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    1. Thanks, interesting take.

      All the best.
      c

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  12. the only words I can come up with are: well said

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  13. I am so sorry that you have had so many hurtful and harmful comments. :( That people feel they have the right to judge, it isn't right. :(

    I loved your comments. We do go into this with eyes wide open, with consent, without brainwashing so that we are HAPPY and our spouses are too. That is what matters. :)

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  14. Hi there! I think it is very unfortunate how people can be so judgmental! My fiancé and I started a DD life style about 4 months ago and we have actually lost friends that we tried to talk to about it! I think it is difficult especially being young (21 and 25) that people around our age just can't even fathom men being leaders! Really enjoy reading your blog! I live in the US but have family in England so I can appreciate some of your English sayings!!

    Molly

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    1. We are 27 and 32, it is especially hard when you are young isn't it? It is so different from the norm.
      I'm sorry you lost friends. I wish all my friends new and I could just say, 'Oh boy I had a terrible spanking last night' but alas!

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