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Monday, 7 October 2013

Learning to let go

I think that learning to let go is that hardest thing for a Dd woman.

It is so hard to give up the need to control things.

My husband as always been in charge when it comes to major decisions. He tells me that right at the beginning of our relationship, before we had even heard of Dd, I used to ask permission for things.

But that fire within me to control is strong.  It stems from childhood and my upbringing.

Although my husband has been the boss for many years now, my nature to try and control in times when I feel vulnerable is still very much there.

It is hard to trust the strength of my husband 100% of the time and sometimes, when I need it the most, I feel around to check if it is there, if I can't find it I tend to bring my control back into play as some sort of self defense mechanism.

Poor man, my darling husband shouldn't be expected to demonstrably show his leadership all the time but I think my nature as a depressive, and as a woman who was let down a lot as a child, needs to feel it more often than he realises.

The thing is that I just need to let go. I need to take a deep breath and trust him.

Allow him room to lead and know that whatever happens he is there for me and will catch me when I fall when things get really bad.


  1. Hi C, I totally agree. Giving up control is so hard and as you said, it's hardest when we feel vulnerable or that he doesn't fully have us.

    It's so hard to hand over that control, especially if you are used to having it. Those old habits are so hard to break and do tend to keep rearing their head from time to time.

    Submission is definitely not easy. It can get downright messy at times and takes constant focus and attention.


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  2. Hi C.

    I think in some ways no matter who you are, or where you come from, when push comes to shove, and the chips are down...we revert to our old ways of coping. Sometimes this means control. Unfortunately that is counterproductive, but babysteps to moving past it more often or quicker. I mean honestly a life time of habits isn't going to go away in even a couple of years. Doesn't mean we can't keep trying though right?


  3. Hi C,
    I have been opposite to this in that I have spent most of my life being controlled. I had very controlling parents, my first husband was very controlling and I spent many years in the church being told what to believe and how to behave. Now I am married to a man who is more like an equal. Neither of us really wear the pants and in fact I think he leaves alot of the control up to me. I am finding this really hard as it has left me kind of feeling lost. I seem to be unorganised, unmotivated and can't get my act together. Somehow in someone else taking control it gives you a sense of security or being cared for. I have followed your sight for some time now and thank you for sharing your life stories. At first I thought DD relationships must be crazy, how could you want someone to hurt you like that but the more I have followed your sight I have begun to understand and see a strength in your relationship I long to find. Did you always start your marriage with DD or how did you introduce it in? I think I need it.

    1. Wow, what a great post. email me if you like

      No we didn't always have it. We have been together for 7 years and have lived together for 6. We had a baby 3.5 years ago and got married 3 years ago. We have done Dd for our entire marriage, but not while we were living together. and it is only now that we feel at peace with it.
      I found the TIH site first and asked my husband if he thought we could try it. He jumped at the chance, without any hesitation whatsoever! - I guess he was waiting! It has improved us is so many ways. We are so well fitted to this. I have softened and he has grown in confidence. I feel so safe and cared for because I am but also because I am taken to task over things that harm us as a unit.

  4. This is one of the reasons that I feel being under the authority of an HOH is almost as hard a job as being an HOH! It takes (for me, anyway) daily, sometimes hourly, reminders to myself to sit back and give him time to do his thing rather than jump in and take over when I sense the slightest hesitation on his part or when he makes a decision that is different than what I would have made. I have to think that upbringing has a lot to do with that. In my family my mother was in control of everything, my father was a drunk. I remember feeling so uncomfortable going to a friend's house where there was a strong male presence, it really seemed odd. It sounds like you are a strong enough lady to overcome issues like that though! It may be a struggle, but if the desire is there and you are honest with him, you'll be ok :)