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Monday, 25 November 2013

Suprise Suprise

I haven't blogged for a while.

Life has been ridiculous.

We spent 7 days sleeping in a bed next to our 5 month old in hospital, who had pneumonia.

Then the day we got discharged, we found out that we are pregnant.

My whole world has turned upside down.

I almost died two years ago after a miscarriage and then again after my baby was born. My uterus hemorrhages when under stress. I have suffered from a bad dose of PTDS and PND and just when my world finally makes sense again, I get slapped in the face with this.

Yes I know we should have prevented this, but seriously we are just very fertile.

I don't know what to think.

I am terrified I won't cope with a four year old, a one year old and a new born. I am terrified that I might die if things don't go to plan, despite my local midwifery team being amazing (they have come up with a course of action for everything).

I am scared that my children won't have the loving upbringing that I so desperately crave to give to them.

I am scared for so many reasons.


17 comments:

  1. {{{hugs}}} I don't know if you welcome prayers or not, but if you do, I'll be praying for you guys. I think your want to give your children a loving home life will help guide your steps in those directions. :) I know the fear of death in being pregnant, I was told it could be my life or my babies last time, in the end it was my baby's.... and still the Duke was sent home with me afterwards saying I could still die. :( If you ever need someone to talk to... I hope you won't hesitate to write.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. Es May, I am so sorry. That is so horrible for you. Of course I accept prayers. I am not Christian myself but it is so comforting to have others praying for me. Three of my good friends here in the UK are daughters of vicars so I am surrounded by religion. In fact my baby, my husband and I playing Jesus, Mary and Joseph in our town's nativity! So pray away my friend.
      C

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  2. Sorry to hear that SpankedWife. Our first son was unplanned. My wife Tori had pre-eclampsia with him and had a seizure. It was very scary and she ended up having an emergency c-seciton. However, our little boy was born healthy and he's a big bundle of joy to this day.

    Pregnancy, especially unplanned ones, can be scary. Praying for you, that not only would you be safe but that you will both have peace.

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    1. Oh I am sorry to hear that, it is a difficult time isn't it. Very scary indeed. So glad your son was well.
      Thank you for your kinds words and prayers.
      C

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  3. Hi C,
    I can understand your feeling afraid. It has been a huge year for you and to be pregnant is big enough on it's own. One of my favourite sayings that has helped me so much in life is "that the past and the future don't exist all we have is now", yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here so just embrace each moment one at a time. Somehow we always seem to manage to get through whatever life brings us. It is the difficult times that make us stronger. I know words like this are not always very comforting when things feel so deep, but hopefully they will help you to look differently at the situation so as to eliminate as much stress as possible. What are your husbands thoughts on the situation? Your desire alone to be the best mum you can tells me you already are!
    I send you prayers, peace and healing energy.
    Eagle

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    1. That is a great saying thanks Eagle. I would be able to more if I wasn't so sick all the time! I hope so much that it stops soon so I can get on with life!
      My husband was over the moon but is now feeling very guilty about it (I think he takes full responsibility for all conception - it's not like I protest! ;) )

      Thank you. I want very much to be a mum to children that I didn't have.
      C

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  4. Praying for you. It's a tough spot, with good reason to be scared, but even better reason to be hopeful. You are overwhelmed, but you will make it and love them well.

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  5. Hi C, Congratulations! Wow, what a whirlwind! I can understand how you are feeling. At the moment you are both still absorbing the news of becoming parents again.

    Try to take a breath, take things bit by bit and try not to worry or over think about what may or may not happen. Much easier said than done I know.

    You have an amazing man who has your back and a great medical team caring for you.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz.
      Life would sure by tough without my amazing man (though some would say that I wouldn't be in this mess without him! - I am joking)

      I shall breath as much as I can.

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  6. That is a shock to the system to be sure! My Husband and I will pray protection over you and your sweet family. Our pregnancies were dangerous and we have had a hand at children in the hospital. We have been keeping you close to our hearts through these trying times, so just know that there are people even from afar loving and strengthening you~

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    1. Thanks so much anon, it's lovely to hear a 'lurker' is thinking of me. It feels very special indeed.
      c

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  7. Hugs, hugs hugs!! Oh it's just too much at once! I'm so sorry. Okay, this is wayyyy out there, but I hemorraged with my first. WHen I was pregnant with my second, I had a biofeedback session with my nurse practitioner. One of the things the machine came up with was "hemorrage". She then programmed it to "clear" that energy in my system. I didn't hemorrage and my birth was a cinch-- my son came 30 minutes after my first contraction-- so fast my husband had to catch him because the midwife hadn't arrived yet. I don't know if the biofeedback session made a difference or not, but it was the only thing available to "preventatively" work on the situation, so I felt better having done it.

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  8. Hey C...Congratulations on your surprise! Both of my boys were unplanned and the second was a huge surprise but they were always wanted as I'm sure yours are also.

    As Roz said, you're caught it a whirlwind! You just are starting to calm down and breathe again from the pneumonia scare and then...SAY WHAT! Take the time to absorb the news...

    Now...follow ALL instructions given to you by your midwifery team...ask for help from local family/friends...reach out to those here in blog land who have been through some of the same issues you have. Remember that the priorities are your health and feeding everyone...doesn't have to be gourmet! As long as the children and their clothing are reasonably clean...good enough. Dust in the house? Eh...will still be there later...just relax and take everything one day at a time. Don't 'borrow' trouble! ;)

    Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts your way!

    Oh BTW...just found your email...have no clue how it got moved to a folder but I never answered you! I am so sorry...will hopefully get you answered this weekend!

    Blessings...
    Cat

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  9. I'll add my prayers. (I am a recent unlurker and new to your blog.) I hope you will be able to enjoy the new life growing inside of you as well as the other two sweet babies you are blessed with. None of us knows how long we will have with our children. That fact helps us be more purposeful in the way we love and spend time with our children. I can tell you yours are already are growing up in a wonderful, loving home.

    Trust

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  10. I'll add my prayers. (I am a recent unlurker and new to your blog.) I hope you will be able to enjoy the new life growing inside of you as well as the other two sweet babies you are blessed with. None of us knows how long we will have with our children. That fact helps us be more purposeful in the way we love and spend time with our children. I can tell you yours are already are growing up in a wonderful, loving home.

    Trust

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  11. it is totally normal to feel the way to are feeling. I have 2 good friends that got pregnant with their 2nd children very early, one is actually on her 3rd and when he third is born she will have 3 under 3! But just because you have another baby does not mean you will love your other 2 less, you just need to make sure you still try to maintain a special routine, even if it is something small with each of them. Congrats by the way :)

    Tasha

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